Gary, you are the father of a son who was relinquished for adoption shortly after his birth in 1967. During your life you have written extensively about the invisibility of fathers in adoption. You are also a campaigner for fathers’ rights.
On Tuesday 28 June 2016 SBS ONE TV will go to air with an INSIGHT programme about ‘Forgotten Fathers’, which will feature your personal story, along with those of some other men.
How did you become involved in this programme?
I was approached initially by Paul-Auguste Cornefert, PhD candidate from the University of New South Wales – ‘Birth Fathers of Adopted Children: Their Perspectives, Feelings and Experiences about the Adoption of their Child/Children’ – seeking my willingness to be contacted directly by SBS INSIGHT. They were researching the possibility of making a programme about fathers who had lost children to adoption. I then spoke to the Producer of INSIGHT and was invited to participate.
Having written extensively about birth fathers, been involved in various apologies for forced adoption and on various committees advising governments on post adoption support what do you hope will result in you talking about your adoption experience on national television that hasn’t been accomplished through your previous adoption work?
Despite the volume of material produced (five books and more than 70 articles), writing about my experience and the experiences of fathers as a cohort reaches a limited audience, primarily members of families of origin.
The National Apology for Forced Adoptions was unique among the Australian governmental Apologies in that the Federal motion was the only one to devote paragraphs exclusively to fathers, viz
- ‘We acknowledge the profound effects of these policies and practices [ie those that forced the separation of mothers from their babies, which created a lifelong legacy of pain and suffering] on fathers.’
- ‘To you, the fathers, who were excluded from the lives of your children and deprived of the dignity of recognition on your children’s birth records, we say sorry. We acknowledge your loss and grief.’
However, the National Apology did not achieve the desired impact, because political events of the day stole the headlines. Thus, public awareness of the consequences of adoption separation for fathers is minimal. The stereotype of the callous, invisible man persists.
Exposure on national television has the potential to overturn the misrepresentations, raise the profile of fathers, and in doing so convey the impact of adoption separation upon them as well as the influence they have had upon adoption.
We will leave readers to watch the INSIGHT programme to hear about your personal story and the consequences. I would, however, like to ask what has contributed to fathers being the invisible partners in adoption and what impact does this have on fathers and their relationships?
In the period embraced by the term ‘forced adoptions’ (roughly prior to the mid-1980s), fathers were discouraged by parents, social workers and hospital staff from being involved in decisions resulting in family separation and the consequent placement of their child. In NSW and Victoria, for example only two percent of adoptee birth records from this era document the father’s name, creating the impression that he 1) did not care enough to ensure his name was entered, and 2) does not wish to know and meet his now adult child.
The truth is that many fathers were forced to be absent from decisions made about their children being adopted, or put another way, decisions were made for not by them. Fathers were and are disempowered. As a result, some fathers feel they are not entitled to know their now adult child. The impacts upon fathers of losing a child to adoption include disenfranchised grief, guilt, anger, shame and depression; the paucity of post-adoption peer support for these men is a common theme. One study of fathers who have lost children to adoption reported that 25% had no further children.
Rarely do you hear an adopted person say, “I want to find my birth father”. Mother’s tend to come first, and are the primary figure in an adopted person’s mind, when they begin to explore their personal stories. If the mother cannot be found or refuses contact only then do fathers come into the frame. Why do you think this is the case and is this hurtful to fathers?
Because so many fathers are not recorded on the birth and/or adoption records, legally they do not have the right to search for their adult children. Likewise an adopted person searching for their father is likely to encounter a blank against ‘Father’ in the records, a barrier to progress. The mother, if contactable by the adoptee searcher, thus becomes the gatekeeper. She may decide to withhold information about the father’s identity. What the mother felt and feels about the father can have a bearing on the disclosure of who he is, barring or opening an avenue for him to be contacted.
It is possible for a father (with the say-so of the mother) to get his name added retrospectively to his child’s original birth certificate. I did this for my son so that should he search he would see the name of his father, feel that I care about him and sense that he was welcome to reach out to me. This very initiative was the subject of Recommendation 14 of the Australian Senate Community Affairs References Committee’s 2012 report, ‘Former forced adoption adoption policies and practices’, viz ‘… adopt a process for allowing the names of fathers to be added to the original birth certificate … the process be administrative and not require an order of court’.
It is a fact that a father contributes 50% to his child’s heritage; every child is entitled to know his or her origins, including their medical history.
It is not uncommon that men, whether birth fathers or adopted sons, are absent, or in the minority, when adoption events, workshops, seminars, retreats etc take place. What do fathers and sons lose out on by remaining in the shadows?
Traditionally, adoption is perceived as women’s business. Post-adoption public gatherings are notable for the massive under-representation of males (a 10:1 gender ratio is common). The last four Australian Adoption Conferences were attended by 1, 1, 1 and 2 fathers respectively.
In a grand total of 1525 survey participants in the landmark AIFS study, ‘Past adoption experiences: National Research Study on the Service Response to Past Adoption Practices’, there were but 12 fathers (a bare 0.8% of the total), compared with 505 mothers (a ratio of 42:1) and 823 adopted persons (gender breakdown not specified).
Through their absence, fathers and male adopted persons run the risk of not being heard and misconceptions about their roles and feelings perpetuated.
What can be done to encourage men to step forward and participate more fully in discussions about the impacts of post adoption?
”Much of what men do is an outer show, kept up for protection” [Biddulph] – means fathers may opt for wariness, ie not to make themselves emotionally and physically available, with the additional risk that the image of the detached man remains unchallenged. All with adoption experiences and the public can assist be bestowing recognition and encouragement upon male adoptees, and given their marginalisation, upon fathers in particular. Loss, grief, identity issues and in some instances guilt take persistence to incorporate into our lives; the acceptance of others is welcome.
Where would a birth father go if they wanted to discuss their personal story and the impact it has, or is having, on their life or the lives of family members?
The post-adoption services organisations in each Australian state and territory are good starting points. A full list is available on the NAA Forced Adoptions History Project website at http://forcedadoptions.naa.gov.au/support
Thank you Gary for sharing your thoughts about birth fathers and adoption. I certainly admire your advocacy over many years and encourage more men, whether fathers or adopted sons, to step forward in seeking to understand and accommodate their adoption experience into their lives. Good luck with the programme.
Readers are reminded ‘Forgotten Fathers’ will be aired on SBS ONE on Tuesday 28th June at 8:30pm (AEST). You can also stream it live here: http://www.sbs.com.au/insight/article/index/id/557614/h/Live-Stream.
Viewers can also jump on Twitter during the programme and take part in the discussion there, using the hashtag #insightSBS.
Note that Gary Coles is the author of several books including:
- Ever After (Fathers and the Impact of Adoption) 2004
- Transparent: Seeing Through the Legacy of Adoption (2008)
- The Invisible Men of Adoption (2010)
- Made in Australia – The Adoption Apologies (2014)
- Disturbing Adoption – The Collected Pieces (2015)
I am so hurt to think you have the hide to listen to one side of one man’s word about women relinquishing their babies for adoption. My baby was taken from me 43 years ago, I had no say, no cuddle, not being allowed to see him, being told he was sick. Then being bombarded with Stilboestrol, Doriden, Pethadine and Mogadon. The father of my son hid so he did not have to own up to his responsibility, no support whatsoever. He did not want to know his son. When I went to register my son at the local court house I was instructed by the registrar to put ‘no name’ baby and not to put fathers name on the form.I had no say no one wanted to listen to me and still no one wants to hear the truth. Yet you have the hide to let this man be on your TV show to lie about what he wants people to think he was hard done by. It has never been a bed of roses for any women who has been through this. When your child who was taken from you because you were unmarried and given to a married couple because supposedly they were not able to have their own child, and when that child is old enough to know the truth we are tainted because they have brainwashed our babies saying we were unfit mothers. I have endured two mastectomies most probably from the Stilboestrol I was given plus the all the stress over the 43 years of not knowing my son. So don’t tell me the fathers have been hard done by. It was too easy for them to walk away and forget.
Lynn, As an adopted person I have listened and read many different stories about adoption. Mothers testimony, fathers testimony, adopted people’s testimony, adoptive parents testimony. There are few, if any, long term winners in adoption. I acknowledge the pain, hurt and loss or all mothers, fathers and adopted people.
It was the decision of SBS to run a programme on fathers. I, like many other adopted people, are interested to know and hear the stories about, and from our fathers, no matter how difficult these might be.
Lyn – I too had my son taken for adoption and know how horrendous it is to live through. I also understand how hard it is to try to deal with the grief and trauma that follows. However I feel that you are being unfair to Gary – he is not being an apologist for all men, just giving an account of how having his baby adopted affected him, and the fact that it has affected other men in a similar way. Those of us who gave birth to the babies were not all the same, did not all feel the same, and did not all act in the same way. Some of us still feel that it was our decision to “relinquish” our babies, some had them taken away while we kicked and screamed, some complied because we felt we had no other choice, and some of us were lied to and told that our babies had died. It is the same with the fathers: some raped, some were in a long term loving relationship with her and were prepared to marry her but for the interference of either or both sets of (grand)parents, some headed for the hills, some wanted to keep the baby but the mother insisted on adoption, and some had no idea that she was pregnant and had a baby. Just as I can’t speak for all women who lost babies to adoption, I don’t believe Gary is speaking for all men in the same position. He is just trying to let the public see another side of the many faceted story that is adoption.
Thank You Gary and Thank you Thomas for this conversation.
I too agree that fathers need to be included and their part in and of adoption needs to be discussed. This is a very much needed topic of discussion that is largely unrepresented in current media, literature and support. In addition as more fathers are supported to come forward this will also assist males that had been adopted to communicate and discuss their experience and receive appropriate support.
In the last couples of days I have received a number of posts which have criticised this SBS programme and personally attacked one of the fathers represented in it.
Please note that I have no association with SBS and I do not publish posts that personally attack people, regardless of where they come from. Nor am I interested in conspircacy theories.
IPSIFY is there to share ideas and information about the effects of adoption and other forms of alternative family creation on the people most affected – the children – many of which are now mature adults who make their own decisions about who and what they identify with.
Different views or approaches in dealing with loss and grief, or in forming an identity, or finding one’s place in the world, are welcome but not when they are framed as bitter, personal attacks.
I previously worked in the field of adoptions as Clinical Psychologist in W.A. The agency, the Adoption Research and Counselling Service (Inc), offers assistance to all parties affected by past adoption practices – adoptees, birth parents (mothers AND fathers), adoptive and prospective adoptive parents, and others touched by this pain-imbued domain. My colleagues and I, but particularly Clinical Psychologist Suzanne Midford, shared information about this topic in a variety of venues including professional conferences. I also conducted a study of the long-term psychological effects of adoption on 30 birth fathers, which was published by the agency in 1993, and can be obtained at minimal cost. I was delighted when two writers, Gary Coles in Australia and Gary Clapton in various parts of the world, took the issue of the forgotten birth fathers to the world, incorporating research and their own personal experiences as fathers. I am delighted that Gary Coles is still flying the flag in Australia after so much work on his part to raise awareness and shed light on this hidden topic. Well done, Gary. Don’t give up now!
Lyn, it’s not about who hurts the most or who suffered the worst treatment. It’s like Thomas says, there are few if any long term winners in adoption. According to my now 54 year old relinquished son, with whom his father and I have been in contact for 23 years, his parents walked away from him and left him so that they could get on with their wonderful lives unencumbered by a baby. Of course, he is primally wounded, as his father and I are. There is less support, compassion and understanding for the fathers than is available for the mothers and children.