Men Living With Their Adoption

Michael it is three years since we first met at the adoption retreat organised by the Benevolent Society at the Brahma Kumaris Spiritual Centre in Wilton. I recall we were a group of seventeen adopted people who came together, over three days, to engage more deeply with our adoption experience and explore pathways to healing. Time moves on. Looking back what did you take away from this retreat that helped you with your life?

Wow! Time sure does fly! 🙂 It does not seem that long ago and this comes as a surprise when I reflect on what has taken place during this time.

The retreat was significant for me in that I finally had the felt experience that I was not alone; that others too had similar feelings surrounding how adoption had effected their life.

The Federal Apology was what brought me to (the retreat) to finally attend to my adoption demons that I had carried around my entire life. It gave me something outside of myself to point to in validating my experience. During this time I also joined multiple support groups on Facebook; these have been invaluable in not only helping me but also educating me on a wider range of issues, I have been lucky in that I have made some trusted friends who I can share with at anytime when needed.

Before we continue you may wish to outline your background to provide some context for the reader. What is your personal experience of adoption?

Sure. I am the product of a forced adoption in the early 70s. My mother was unmarried at the time of my birth. On the 3rd of May the consent for adoption was signed, but due to poor health I was admitted to the care of the minister as a ward of the state. At approximately six months of age I was fostered out to a family and later officially adopted by the same couple at age 3.

I have known for a long as I can remember that I was adopted. I have no recollection of being told at any specific time.

It’s unusual for men to talk about, or get involved, in confronting life issues that may begin with their adoption. Why do you think this is the case?

It has been my experience that men in general have a great difficulty in communicating anything of a sensitive or challenging nature. And with adoption this is doubly so. I believe it is a response to socialisation and the dominant patriarchal culture which governs so much of our lives.

Talking about issues of the heart and our inner thoughts takes a great amount of emotional energy. It puts us in a state of immense vulnerability. For many men this notion is truly terrifying as it is met with much cynicism, the old sayings ‘Big boys don’t cry’ or ‘Man Up’ come to mind.

I have always been an emotional person and expressed myself passionately and honestly, unfortunately this has commonly been meet with criticism. I have always been open to cry as much as I have been able to laugh. In some instances I have been labelled a ‘snag’ which is derogatory really and in others instances my sexuality has been questioned. I see both of these responses as a product of fear on behalf of the other party.

How significant is your adoption in your life and in what way does it continue to have an influence on what you think or do?

It has been fundamentally significant in how I have lived my life. Throughout my childhood, adolescence and now into adulthood it has shaped my feelings and perceptions of myself and my position in the world. The person I am today is a result of everything that has happened to me.

How do you address or adjust to these feelings and perceptions?

This is an ongoing process. Every single day I am challenged to create a peaceful space in which to voice and give voice to the many issues inherent in adoption. I am lucky now in that I have the support to be able to do; the most beneficial thing I have found is reading and researching in conjunction with talking with others who understand.

What have been your most valuable learnings to date?

I know that what I think and feel at the moment will eventually change. What I know and feel today is a different colour, shape and hue to what it was this time last year and even more so than 10 years previously. I see this as growth and development, I find this exciting even though it is challenging. I consider myself to be open-minded and more than willing to learn from others.

I believe you are currently attending a post adoption support group for men. Can you share some insights about this group?

It is a small group of amazing guys. We have discussed openly how difficult it is to be an emotional man in this modern era. It can be extremely isolating when difficult and debilitating issues inherent in adoption (for example grief/loss/identity issues; mental health/stress and anxiety) are not taken seriously.

How different is it being in a men’s group as opposed to the first retreat which was a mixed gender group?

Very different in that has given us a group and environment to share without fear of criticism.

Fathers play a critical role in the lives of their children, what fatherly qualities do you ensure you bring to your family and give to your children?

They certainly do. I made a conscious decision to put my children, my wife, my family at the centre of my life. I was fortunate enough to be able to be the primary care giver of my eldest as an infant. I have foregone career advancement in favour of the love and respect of my family; I am lucky in that I am able to share school holidays with them. This time together doing the simple things that accumulate to create a life can not be bought or sold or returned to you once they are gone. They become fond memories which instil the absolute knowing that you are valued, wanted and cared for. My hope is that in the future they choose partners and positions in life that continue to encourage in them a desire to learn, grow, love and give to others.

What would you say to an adopted man who is struggling with family matters or life in general?

Don’t give up no matter how hard it seems at the moment. This may seem trite or a platitude but it is certainly very true. My life as it stands today is something I could have only ever hoped for.

When you need help who do you turn to?

My wife, my kids, and a few trusted friends. The way I see it is that I have different relationships with different people; each person will bring out or support a different aspect of myself. In addition I do like to spend time alone; this is very important to me as I do spend a lot of time in my own head. I would consider myself an introvert and do prefer private, one-on-one communication.

Where do you find light relief and fun?

Books, music and movies. I have always been a great reader and have always had a book by my side. I am lucky in that I share this love with my wife; our house has a collection of a dozen (and growing) number of bookshelves.

The first book I would advise anyone to read is The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. Importantly though, I believe this is the first step, of many to come. The first step in understanding the felt experience of relinquishment from the child’s perspective. It is fundamentally important that the individual (when reading something so profound) does not get stuck; this is where extra support may be needed.

I have also read many other books that have adoption and related themes. Some books are memoirs, some are fiction; they all help to create a picture and often allow me to empathise with the characters that I identify with. Importantly, this reminds me to allow this same care of myself.

Most recently I have read Heartlines – The Year I meet my other mother. It was excellent as it details the communication (predominantly email) between mother and daughter and most importantly the thoughts and feelings behind these exchanges when expectations are not meet. I would recommend it to anyone wanting to attempt a reunion, whether a parent or adopted person. It nicely illustrates the absolute difficulty in trying to create a social relationship where none exists in contrast to a strong biological drive.

Reading and researching continuously is very important to me. As an adult person my understanding of my self is now complemented by an adequate vocabulary, this enables me to describe my experience to others. This is not something I was able to do when I was younger.

When needing to relax and unwind at the end of the day I listen to guided meditations. I do this every night and go to sleep with headphones on; this helps me to block out any other noise as well. Sometimes I use an eye mask as well, it is a great way of slowing down the body and mind and allowing a sense of security.

My other love is music. I still collect vinyl records and love nothing more than the excitement of possibly finding an album at a garage sale/op shop that I have always wanted. I have alphabetised my collection as i have so many there are some I have not even listened to. To listen to all of them is on one of my to do lists.

I love spending time with my girls watching movies and TV shows. This is always fun. I love to discuss themes and plot and ask existential questions of them; much to their annoyance at times. Often it is the sharing of viewing a beloved character develop throughout a show or movie and then being able to relate back to other important issues within our life; and sometimes it is just the innocent joy of having a unbridled laugh at a comic moment. Because a laugh is always good 🙂

Thank you Michael for sharing your adoption insights from a male’s perspective. The strategies you employ to integrate your adoption experience into your life bringing positive benefits to you and your family are valuable examples others may wish to try. Go well!