It’s several years since your memoir Surviving Secrets was published and I reviewed it for the Australian Journal of Adoption. How has your life been in the intervening years since the book went to print?
Thank you for that review Thomas and your support for my memoir. It is coming up to 7 years since the book was published. My life is full and content. I have a truly integrated and fulfilled sense of myself which is empowering. It’s taken a lot of personal growth work and therapy to arrive at this place and I cherish it. Also in those past years, I have met and become engaged to my rest of life partner, John and we plan to marry in the near future.
Surviving Secrets deals primarily with two traumatic losses in your life and the affect these had on you. The first being told at the age of 40 that you were adopted and, some six years later, suffering a further devastating loss when your then partner, Rob committed suicide. For several years abandonment, loss and trauma were very real factors in your life, which you refer to as ‘dancing with the black hole’. In what way did writing about these experiences help you to heal?
From the revelation of my adoption at age 40 just after my then husband had left our marriage and told me he had known of my adoption for 12 years, my self esteem and confidence dissipated. I struggled to make sense of my new world, what had happened to my identity and life.
I’ve always loved writing – as a young child at school, I wrote poetry which had been published in my school magazines. Writing became a relief and natural way to process the myriad of feelings I experienced and to write my way through the overwhelm I lived with.
After I had my memoir published and due to having worked through a lot of the morass, I shredded my diaries. I had written of my feelings and emotions in the memoir. The diaries were full of such bleak and despairing writing which were all true and the lived experience at the time. I had catharted and could let go of the writings . I also did not want the reminders of that bleakness in my new life so I chose to let those writings go and continue on my healing journey. For me, that bleak energy negated what I was working on to move forward and continue healing.
What were the affects on you, and your relationships, after learning late in your life that you were adopted? And given the passage of time, and the healing work you have done, do any of these affects linger on?
For many years with all the grief, loss, abandonment, secrets and lies that had swirled around me, I felt I had a “spot” on my forehead that seemed to attract these experiences. I lost faith in myself, life and the world and each day was an effort to face.
I had two young sons to raise, I was grieving the loss of my marriage and family and the fundamental loss of myself, identity and my history, as I had known it. My adoptive parents and most of my family had died by the time I was told of my adoption.
I had a few cousins who all knew of my adoption and never felt it was right for them to tell me. For a time I was very rageful that everyone had known except me. My cousins were conflicted, agreeing I should have been told by my parents. I did distance from my cousins for awhile, needing space to sift through memories of my childhood. In the ensuing years, my cousins and I have had many conversations about the “secrets and lies” that was the back drop of my life. However they remain loyal to my parents, and to me and believe that I was greatly loved and given a good upbringing. They can never understand what it feels like on an emotional level. So we just have to live with what is for our individual perceptions.
I have been blessed with many wonderful relationships and friendships. Growing up an only child of older parents, I longed for siblings. So my way of creating my own family, was to make and keep friendships throughout my life. These supports and connections sustained me in the aftermath of learning of my adoption and end of my marriage. Those greatly loved friends supported, nourished and cared for me when I was incapable of doing so myself and felt on many occasions, I was going mad. They assisted my sons and I emotionally and on practical levels.
I have developed into a much stronger and aware person due to my experiences. I have learnt to step back and separate myself from other’s actions in keeping the secret of my adoption. My experience is that most adopted persons implode on themselves and blame themselves for others behaviours towards them . I have learnt only to take responsibility for what I create and others must do the same. Always, other people’s behaviours are about what is driving them. My sense of self is strong and I will not allow toxic people or relationships into my life.
I began counseling soon after learning of my adoption which then led to personal growth courses, meditation and masses of reading to understand the impact of adoption. There was nothing written on the late discovery aspect of adoption which is why I eventually went on to write my memoir. I also spent almost 5 years in somatic psychotherapy, exploring my upbringing, my life and the impact on it of my adoption. Eventually this launched me into studying somatic psychotherapy myself. It’s a modality I love as it explores the emotional storage of our feelings/emotions in our body, character structure and the impact on our neurological and biological systems of our emotions.
If you were asked to name two people who have been major influences in your life that have helped you to understand your adoption and given you the strength and encouragement to embrace life who would these be? Describe their positive influence.
My past somatic therapist, Gail McKenzie was just the right person for me. I met her on a personal growth course when she was one of the support team.
Gail was a midwife and had worked in major maternity hospitals. She understood the impact of a baby being removed from it’s mother and the losses and trauma experienced by mother and baby when the baby is adopted.
From the outset of our work together which spanned almost 5 years, she made it clear that her job was to sustain me while I found my way through the maze of emotional turmoil and to become a whole, integrated fully functional human being. She metaphorically “held me” without judgement and was totally devoted to me during our sessions.
Gail never gave advice, never told me what to do. She was always a calm presence who listened, fed back and encouraged me to explore deeper to unpeel the layers of “onion skins” that was the pain, grief, loss and rage I carried. I am indebted to her for the support and professional knowledge she offered me. Gail says I did all the work myself and I have to admit that’s true! It was hard going and often times I loathed the money , time and energy I spent in therapy. However it assisted me create the life I now have. Without my commitment to therapy and the desire to grow and develop, I don’t know how my life would look today.
Both my sons were supportive, loving and caring during the years I struggled to get my life back on track. The situation did impact them enormously, given that their father had kept secret my adoption news for the 12 years of our marriage.
There were many people who supported me during my journey. I also found reading books by Nancy Verrier, Betty Jean Lifton, Susan Anderson and other noted adoption and abandonment writers, normalised my experiences. This is important for adopted persons as we react normally to an abnormal situation, that of being removed from mother. However as it’s not experienced by everyone, we are left feeling isolated, misunderstood and internalise that there is something wrong with us for our feelings and reactions.
There are many adopted people who think about writing their own story. Having travelled this pathway what advice would you give to those embarking on writing and publishing their adoption story?
Our stories need our voices and need to be heard. Having said that, I wrote my memoir over 12 years. At one stage, I did no work on it for 4 years. There was a lot of rewriting and editing by me. As I grew and integrated, there were things I no longer needed to say in the book.
Obtaining a book publisher and contract is extremely difficult to do these days. There is also a general feeling in the book market that it is saturated with adoption stories.
I say go ahead and write your story – even if it’s just for yourself and your family. If you wish to publish, then self or desk top publish. Either way, it will bring you satisfaction and a sense of completion.
You remain active as a counsellor and continue to work part time with the Post Adoption Resource Centre in Sydney. In this role what do adopted people continue to need help with?
It is a great privilege to be trusted as a counsellor by PARC clients. Every client is impacted by their adoption situation, however while there are many similarities, everyone’s experiences and situations are unique to that individual client.
PARC staff are trained and work from a trauma informed perspective. This means recognising that for the adopted person their birth and removal from mother was trauma, both for mother and child. Humans are the only species that willfully separate their own young from the mother at birth. Most adopted people do not have that concept as the basis of their pain, grief and loss. They think “there is something wrong with me” or those closest to them tell them that.
Our work with clients initially is to assist them understand how that first trauma has impacted them and life, their neurology, biological and adrenal systems. The sense of relief and understanding that comes when clients realise the impact of trauma and how their behaviours have been constructed around that trauma, is when the real work begins. Research into neurological systems now tells and shows us that neurology pathways can be rewired. This means that adopted people can reframe the “inner critic” they carry, that they can understand that trauma was done to them, not something they invited or created. Even though it takes a lot of choice and commitment, it means adopted people can work at taking back their personal power and change the direction of their lives.
As well as individual counselling, PARC also acts as intermediaries in reunion, mediates between the parties and supports parties with counselling. Post reunion relationships are like no other. It is unchartered territory and requires much patience, understanding and management of expectations.
This is PARC’s 25th year of operation. During that time, over 73.000 persons impacted by adoption have been assisted in numerous ways.
I was inspired by your book and how you managed over time and with considerable effort to move from victim, to survivor, to being a full participant in your life. You have survived your secrets and continue with a full life. For people who do find themselves ‘dancing with the black hole’ what would you say to them?
“Dancing with the Black Hole” was a chapter in my memoir. I created that phrase from being initially catapulted into reactive depression due to the trauma of my marriage ending and revelation of my adoption occurring simultaneously.
I experienced intense anxiety, depression, fear, rage, betrayal and terror of the future, all while being responsible for raising my sons and working fulltime. There were many times I feared I would have a breakdown. I loathed my neediness and was aware I felt like a victim to circumstances. I think that was a motivator to create change in my life, though it often felt I was moving backwards more than forwards!
I thought I had previously had a good life. Now I was faced with a blank future, or so it felt. I chose not to take medication except for some anxiety medication in the beginning. That had a minimal effect and made me drowsy and I resolved to just keep going. There was one occasion where I did contemplate suicide, however thought about the impact on my sons and could not do it.
I would say to others, if you feel depressed and are considering self harm, do see your GP and discuss the situation. I was fortunate to have a fantastic GP who was very supportive and encouraged my involvement in counseling while understanding my need to attempt control of the mess that was my life and turn it around. I have nothing against medication and I have seen miraculous results for people grappling with depression who go onto medication. For me, I had so much happening in my life that I did not like the impact of feeling subdued and I guess it was a control issue for me. I had lost so much in my life roles, I could not risk being even less in control.
At this point it’s probably appropriate to say that my late partner Robert, grappled for over 30 years with bi polar disorder. Only his ex wife knew of his diagnosis as a young man. He refused treatment or medication and self managed the condition himself. He was never hospitalised or had any episodes requiring treatment. He kept the illness a secret from everyone, even myself. Such was his large personality, that he always appeared gregarious, outgoing, loving and caring to all. At times, he would have a lower mood swing which could always be explained away due to the vagaries of life.
When he was head hunted for a job in Melbourne he panicked that his condition would be exposed. He had previously conducted his own business, meaning he was not answerable to an employer and could always take time off if he felt unwell. He was also concerned about the impact on our relationship and whether or not it could tolerate long distance, despite my reassurances that it would. His suicide devastated all who loved him and left us with great sadness that he could not be open and reveal his condition and seek the treatment that would have saved his life. It was extremely sad that he could not let people support him when he needed it most. I never felt responsible or questioned myself as having contributed in any way to his actions. They were those of a desperate man who was stressed beyond his tolerance and could see no solutions. I knew I had never failed him in any way.
Despite another traumatic loss and more secrets, my therapy had assisted me grow stronger in myself esteem. Robert had also contributed to that in our relationship as well. I also learned from compassion for Robert, how hard and what a great effort it is for people with mental illness to stay alive.
There is a swing to revive and increase adoption rates as a form of creating a family in Australia. In your opinion do you believe this a positive trend in social policy or should other alternatives, before adoption, be considered first?
I think adoption is seen as an altruistic act and a solution to overcome fertility or other reasons people are unable or choose not to have children. I do not support adoption or surrogacy. We are facing another generation of people whose histories will be obliterated along with their human rights in every way that a past forced adoption person has experienced.
I believe that Governments need to focus their budgeting into supporting, educating and mentoring families who struggle with parenthood. Surely there are direct or extended family members who are able and willing to raise a child so that the kith and kin connections are not severed.
I think there needs to be more education in the community at large as to the issues that adopted people have foisted on them from the first life trauma of separation of mother and baby.
In the arena of intercountry adoptions, the trauma of separation from mother is accelerated for those children who spend any of their early years in an orphanages, are removed from their culture, language and heritage to a foreign country and then have to adjust in families where there is no genetic mirroring for them and genetic bewilderment is magnified.
The myriad experiences of an adopted person due to that first trauma is reflected in that group’s mental health presentations, suicide attempts, difficulties with relationships, intimacy issues, managing employment and life in general. We who have experienced some of those situations are best informed to lobby Governments against thinking and acting to remove children from their family of origin is a panacea for childless others, fiscal savings and social policy.
Thank you Margaret for your insights about your experience of late discovery adoption and writing your memoir. Here’s to ongoing book sales and enjoying life on the coast with your new partner 🙂
Surviving Secrets book review in Australian Journal of Adoption