When Adoption is Forever

Adoption is forever.

Over the decades there have been few days when I haven’t thought about my adoption and its impact on my life.

Adoption stays with you always. Consequently, you do need to make provision for it, make sense of it, or find peace with it, otherwise it is likely to prod, nag, itch, unsettle and potentially drive you demented.

These were some of the introductory comments I made during a presentation when asked to speak at a PARCS Adoption Connections meeting in Canberra.

Over the years I have made several presentations of this kind to community or support groups sharing, along with others, elements of my personal story to show the ongoing impact adoption has on one’s life and what we can do to better understand, accommodate or find peace with it.

These gatherings are often points of entry for us to begin to unravel or address deep seated personal issues or challenges that confront us as adopted people or as a parent. For some they are check points; opportunities to revisit or reinvest in working through personal matters that remain unresolved. Where you might have put something to one side until the time is right to deal with it.

There is great value in sharing and listening to other peoples personal experiences in face-to-face settings within a safe environment. In these situations the emphasis is on respectful engagement, where confidentiality is assured and where you can tap into whatever point in your adoption life cycle you may find yourself.

It could be:

• you have just found out you are adopted
• you are seeking your personal information for the first time
• you have received your personal information and wondering what to do next
• you are about to embark, or have embarked on, a reunion
• your mother or father may have passed away and you will never be able to meet them
• you’ve found a missing parent who doesn’t want to meet you
• you have feelings of abandonment or rejection that are overwhelming
• you are an adoptive parent wishing to understand your child better
• you wish to share some of your personal story to reaffirm who you are and where you fit in.

Whatever your personal adoption circumstance is, its important to seek and find the support you need. These days there are many sources you can tap into:

• Friends, via face-to-face meetings or online where multiple social media adoption sites cater for all kinds of needs.
• Post adoption support agencies like PARCs, VANISH, JIGSAW or PASS. These organisations, and their dedicated staff and volunteers, continue to provide guidance material and offer support to those adapting to life with adoption.
• Independent psychologists or coaches who you may wish to engage privately.
• Your own creativity – through painting, writing, sculpting, singing, acting, composing, crafting or a hobby.

At the PARCs meeting I noted many adopted people are emotionally charged. These emotions can range from deep sadness to volatile anger about, or towards, their life circumstance. And many have good reason to be sad or angry having lost their original identity, their first family or having to endure secrets, lies or poor parenting.

Living off sadness or anger indefinitely is not good for anyone, especially those who hurt on the inside.

At some point its important to take active steps to reconcile yourself with your adoption experience. To find ways of integrating that experience into your life to manage its negative impacts that are often consuming, destructive or immobilising.

I acknowledge this is not always easy – it’s important however to make a start. And where a false start occurs, to try again. And again and again if necessary.

It’s important to self nurture to facilitate your healing and to embrace life.

Self nurturing comes best when reaching out to others. Through experience I’ve learnt that people, pets or plants offer rewarding avenues for self nurturing. Choose the one that best suits your personality and needs.

Some of us are naturally people persons. If you are one of these think of helping other people through your caring skills. Many adopted people through their own losses have developed resilient qualities building a natural empathy to help those who struggle with life.

In reaching out to others you gain a dividend of strengthening yourself.

Some people love animals. If you’re one of these get yourself a dog or a cat or some other pet to care for, especially if you live alone. Pets are wonderful friends and companions and can be great healers when you have been hurt deeply on the inside. You will not have to return to an empty house again. One of life’s daily pleasures is having your wagging-tailed dog or friendly meowing cat greet you, unconditionally, at the door at the end of a working day.

Pets bring lightness and goodness to life, removing its sharp edges.

Some people have green fingers with the ability to grow beautiful plants. Take up gardening. Gardening is a great self nurturer. Seeing a garden unfold under your care, with flowers, fruit or vegetables filling your table as a product of your own labour is deeply satisfying.

Bearing witness to the miracle of life through gardening has a refreshing way of rejuvenating your own life, easing its burdens.

You could be ambitious and try all three!

To heal on the inside, self nurture on the outside. Care for self through incremental daily actions – reach out to others if you are that people’s person; if you love animals bring a furry friend into your life; if gardening and the outdoors is a pleasure, cultivate plants and reward yourself with the natural goodness of your own hands.

Nurturing people, pets or plants are a good choices when it comes to finding ways to heal inner wounds and to embrace and enjoy life.

Thomas Graham